Don’t Put Me In A Box!

In all my years of being a Christian I have never seen such self-improvement and growth within me. For years I was trapped in the “box” of Christianity and believed, because of what I was told, this was the only way for me to go. What a lie! What a lie! I was one of the biggest hypocrites that went to church and a very judgmental person because I believed that my way was the only way and everyone else was going to hell. Oh, especially Muslims. Asalam Alakum my Brothers and Sisters, no offense. My confidence about who I was, who’s I was, was based on fear that was instilled in me and feeling like I was better than anyone else who practiced a different religion.

A friend of mine made a comment on Facebook the other day that had me shaking my head in agreement all the way. Many of his friends wanted to know what religion did he practice because his profile picture showed him sitting on a rug surrounded by petals and candles. His response was, “If God could practice a religion what would it be?” I thought it was brilliant. That’s a very good question to pose to those who need to have an answer from you if your practice “looks” different from theirs. If God where to practice a religion which one would he choose? Have you ever thought about that? If you have, did you think he would choose yours? Amazing how small minded we human-be-ings think, that we could put God in a small box of “our” religion and say that it’s the right “one”.

My husband and I made the decision to leave our church over seven years ago when we just had had enough. We of course were not 100% certain and the fear that was instilled in us didn’t make it any easier but we made the choice anyway. We where not sure what we were going to do as far as a spiritual practice and the fact that our friends (at the time) and family had to have an answer to that question so that they would feel better about our decision, didn’t help any. We didn’t have any answers except our certain, yes, we were leaving. In the beginning we agreed it would be only for a little while until we made a decision as to what church we were going to attend. Before we left we visited a few here and there but didn’t find one that we wanted to jump right into. Everywhere we visited was the same thing just packaged differently. That was no surprise to us and it left us feeling even more empty and hopeless. But, looking back on it now, that empty, hopeless feeling was good for us to experience. It reminded us time and time again of what we didn’t want. My belief is that each and every one of our life experiences show us what we want and do not want for ourselves. Our experiences are our guides. If you have enough of something you don’t want in your life experience, you change it to create what you do want and that’s just what we did.

The years to follow weren’t easy for me and David. The pressure from the outside world still existed but worse yet, it was the pressure on the inside that was tearing away at us. We then realized how much of the fear that was drilled into us owned our very existence, it was hard to escape and excruciating. I became angry, confused and felt alone. Non of my friends supported us because they were so deeply wrapped in the arms of our religion, family, forget about it. It was like déjà vu because we experienced the same thing when we decided to Homeschool our children. Alone, with no one to turn to except each other, it was rough. But that was another thing, we had each other as always and that was better than nothing. Yes, we fought about it because at times I wanted answers to questions like, what are we going to do as far as a “practice” is concerned, where were we going to go to church and what did we believe now? All of these questions I put on my husband out of fear and frustration but the growth came, and always does, when we worked to figure it out together. He was afraid and experienced periods of doubt but going back for him and I were not an option, at least until we could sort things through.

We studied, did our research, prayed about it, studied some more, this was all before leaving and yet when we left we still didn’t have all the answers. This is the point I’m wanting to make, you don’t have to have all the answers, you don’t have to figure it all out before making the decision you know you need to make. Deep within, you have compromised for the sake of not being an outcast. Deep within, you have, time after time, left church on a Sunday feeling more empty, confused, frustrated than when you went in. You keep going back in hopes of it changing for you instead of YOU changing it for yourself and most of the time that means turning your back and saying goodbye. It’s like that bad relationship that you keep going back to in hopes of this time things changing for the better but it never does until you decide for yourself that enough is enough. I just had a conversation with a friend of mine yesterday who is in this very place, like so many, who want to leave but are too afraid. The question that I could not escape for years was, “If God loves me so much how could he watch me burn in “hell” for eternity because I didn’t follow the “rules”?” This question, like so many more, didn’t make any sense to me whatsoever and I wasn’t going to get the answers in the place that was trying to convince me this all made sense. I have to admit that I was bitter when we first left, bitter at the church, God, reactions of people I thought cared about me. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was glad to be leaving, doing this for myself, my Husband, our children, their children and children’s children. Opening the door wide open, handing them FREEDOM on a silver platter, and saying go find who and who’s you truly are. Find out who God means to you and live each day connecting to Source the way you want to and the way the makes you feel Amazing!

And, so many years later I can truly say that I am free and absolutely loving the person I am becoming. Not at all perfect by any means, but I don’t have to be. I know that I’m in a much better place than I was when I was trapped. I’m no longer bitter but sad for those who are still trapped, scared to leave and be free. I have learned to love everyone and everything and can admit that I have much work to still do while I continue to be me. I don’t have to put on this, “I am holier than thou” attitude to prove to anyone that I have the right too. Having thoughts like, I’m not good enough, or that I’m “back sliding”, or I’m going to burn for eternity, no longer exists in my thinking. I have been released of those lies. I no longer have to conform out of fear. I can say the words bliss, orgasmic, and love without the shame for wanting those things to be apart of my everyday life. I can be ME and admire everything about ME. Many of our loved ones were truly concerned (I understand) and fearful that we may get “caught” up in spiritual dealings that would “take” over but I think it was really about a reflection on them. I believe it’s about them not wanting to face the similar truths that’s been eating away at them. It’s like the saying, hear no evil, see no evil thing; if you leave it alone no one has to know it’s there. Well, I’m sorry that’s not how I work, not how David works, so you know that’s not how our children will work. It ain’t happening.

I accept being called a “rebel”, as a matter of fact I kinda like it, because I don’t look at it as a bad thing. I admire the rebels of the world, they stand for something! I can happily go on and on about this and I’ll probably write another article on some of the things we did as a family and what we do now. But, as I have discovered it is not so much as what we do as a family as it is, what I do for and with myself. The joy of being connected to Source is the greatest thing that I’ve ever felt in this physical world. And, it’s not what anybody has told me to do, showed me to do, convinced that this is the way to do it, not any of that! It’s all about what has resonated and continues to resonate within me and only me. Isn’t that what all religions have created? They have created practices, rituals, sayings that means something to them and those who follow. I love being able to get something from every religion that I’m attracted to, it’s part of being free. Religions are all forms of expression of the SAME ONE thing. Sure we have different names, Buddha, Jehovah, Krishna, Allah, God and so many more, that we use to described who Source is to us, but it is all ONE, anyway. If we could get that, do you realize how much peace would be on earth? If we could get that, then no one religion has to be the “right” one. This is where the problem lies. There would be no more judgment, pointing any fingers, trying to “save” someone and show them the “right” way, no more fear of differences, no more exiling, casting away, turning backs, di-ease, discomfort, NO MORE! We all would accept our differences and love each other anyway. We would all be free to learn from one another, which would in turn show us how similar we truly are.

Namaste,