Considering Whether Or Not To Let You In - Jouranling From the Heart.

Journal entry 3 / 20 / 13

"Having second thoughts about opening up my space. I guess it's just fear or maybe it's been a long day or maybe it's nothing and I should just keep on going. I certainly like how the latter sounds so I'll go with that. But, it doesn't exclude any truth from having a long day, because I did.

The minute I talk about letting people in I get nervous and start second guessing myself. I have a love / hate relationship with Facebook, with Twitter, and other social networks. They seem to mess with my peace of mind. This is one of the reasons I left in the first place. But, I missed blogging. One of the biggest downsides to being online was the constant battle to remain true to myself no matter which way the tide drifted. Sure, I want to run a successful blog but I don't want to compromise who I am and what is dear to me in order to be received. 

This will definitely require me to walk by faith and believe that no matter what I choose to do online I will always be there. I will always be present. I will always be myself. I will always show up as who I know I am. And I am good enough. 

I love being alone, all to myself. I like curling up with my thoughts and not having to share, explain, or explore them with another. But, as a blogger my opinions will be valued and questioned. I will have to be prepared to share myself even when it's uncomfortable. Sometimes I think my shit is weird and people will not understand. My ability to stay within my flow will be my challenge. The more I practice the more I'll master this. When and if this ever comes up, I'll slow down and listen to where my heart wants to go. The next step is to follow my heart. In doing so I will always be at peace within myself. I will always feel good about where I am. 

I was excited to get back online and back to blogging. Things were going well until I started interacting with people. I began to feel the current swaying a little harder and then the pressure to perform started to rise. My struggle began and I felt like I was beginning to drown. I struggle with being in relationship with people, because I have a tendency to believe that what I have to share is good enough. When I get into situations like this I can't breathe and eventually end up clawing at them to back the hell up. I need my space. I need to feel safe. I need to feel loved and accepted. I need to feel like I'm enough. 

Keep moving forward, Lisa. Keep moving forward. 

I will keep moving forward towards my growth because lawd knows I need it in this area of my life. I will keep moving forward because the next stage of my journey requires me to do so. This is something that I want to have in my life so I have to be willing to let it in. Stretching promotes growth and that's what I need. I want to be able to allow people in without feeling threatened by their presence. I must work on creating boundaries for myself that will help me to feel safe, grounded, and secure. I'm being pulled in this direction. I've been needing to do work around learning, setting, and appreciating what my boundaries will do for me. I haven't practiced this long enough to see that I can do it. I owe that much to myself to at least begin now and wait no longer." 

Looking back on this journal entry and seeing where I am today gives me so much hope. I've grown. This struggle still exist but I'm not as affected by it anymore. I see it coming up within me sooner and deal with it right away. I'm not ashamed to say that I'm still learning and I don't have it all together. I'm learning that it's okay to slow down, take baby steps, and see a process through. I'm learning that some things require more massaging and gentle touches to move it along it's way. Blogging, social networks, relationships - business and personal require this. They need more of my sweet touch. They need more of my slow loving, like a lover does. 

I'm glad I made the decision to keep moving forward where my blogging and online presence is concerned. I have no regrets. I've met some really amazing women and men and have reconnected with old friends. I'm celebrating a little over a year in my return and it feels divine.

There is power in journaling. Have the courage to journal and keep at it. Look back a year from now or even five and be a witness to your growth. Remember to celebrate as well.

Notes of self-loving: My struggles today don't define who I will be tomorrow.