Breastfeeding, Motherhood, & Shame - How Journaling Changed It All

Journal entry 1 / 19 / 13 

When I was a little girl I dreamt of the day I would become a mother. I'd close my eyes and envision how they would look, feel, smell, and smile. I'd envisioned how they would look into my eyes like I was the only important thing to them in all of the world. That day couldn't come soon enough. But, when it did, it was nothing like I envisioned. 

My picture perfect experience with motherhood was just not happening. Where did everything go wrong? I was young and had no clue as to what I had gotten myself into. I was unprepared and didn't even know it until I was up to my ears in the thick of things. I spent the first few days in total shock. At night my baby girl would be crying and so would I. My breasts were full but I couldn't figure out how to get the milk out of me and into her mouth. I was desperate. I could tell she was too. Her cries kept getting louder and louder. My cries did the same. (I'm tearing up as I'm writing this right now. I was broken inside and still to this day I can feel the pain.) 

(What follows is not how things actually happened, but my reenactment of the past. This has helped me release the pain that I struggled to let go.)

If I were my mother back then, this is what I would say to Lisa...

"Hold on sweetie, it's going to be okay. Everything is going to work out for you and your baby girl. I know this for sure because I'm going to help you every step of the way until you can help yourself. You are not alone. Now, let me hold your baby girl and comfort her until you can pull yourself together. I'm not leaving this room until you do. Here is some Kleenex, wipe your eyes. Calm down baby, it's gonna be okay. There you go, the first step is done. Now what you need to do next may hurt just a little but I know that your goal is to feed your baby and that's what your going to do. 

Your breasts are engorged, that means they are too full. You're going to have to gently massage them in a circular motion so that some of your milk can start to come out. As you massage, massage towards your nipple and envision your milk coming out. Do this slowly but you'll want to do it firmly. There you go, there you go. It's working. It's working. Now we need to work together on this next part so listen carefully. 

I want you to focus on holding your breast steady while I open her mouth by placing my thumb on her upper chin while pressing down. She's going to play her part and open wide so you're going to have to move quickly and ease your nipple into her mouth. Her instincts will tell her to clamp down fast and begin sucking and you don't want her to do that unless it's done right. Think of this moment like you're playing a game of basketball, I know how much you love that game. Think of her as your team member and both of you are working together to make a basket. You'll assist her and she'll make the shot. (Funny thing, this is what you'll be doing your whole life as her mother, assisting her to make the shot). It's the same with breastfeeding. You have to be firm when placing your nipple in her mouth or else she'll grab hold to it in the wrong way. Keep this in mind when she opens her mouth and is coming towards your breast. You have to place your nipple firmly in her mouth so she grabs hold of all of it and not just a little. If she grabs hold to a little and starts sucking with her powerful suck, it's going to hurt. So are you ready?"

I was at a crossroad in my life as a new mother and I didn't even know it. I didn't know that this was the moment that would define my journey into motherhood. I didn't know how much of the guilt and failure I carried with me long after that began right then. 

Here is to the power of journaling. 

When I decided to write these journal entries and reenact how the events happened my life as a mother began to change. I learned a long time ago that I had to power to create the life that I wanted. I also learned that I had the power to re-create the life that I once knew. I learned that the memories that I have are just stories that I tell myself and that I have the power to tell myself something different. Through my journaling I began to rewrite my past and since then have noticed a significant change in the person I am today. Some of those memories are harder to reenact than others, but I try. 

What I wrote above is a much better memory of those first few days of being a new mother. So much pain has been lifted a result. During these writings I shed many tears of pain, sorrow, shame, and guilt. This new memory is life giving and nourishing. This new memory is the kind of memory my daughter and I deserved to have. 

Notes of self-loving: I am now releasing what was, and embracing how I want it to be. I'm letting go what no longer serves me, therefore releasing pain, shame, guilty, and the feelings of failure I've carried with me for so long.