Staying Open

*I began writing this blog entry months ago. My fear stopped me from completing it. I now had the courage to complete and release it. I hope it brings you closure like it did for me. I hope it inspires you to live more freely.

I told him, I allowed the world to make me hard. After I said those words I felt a bit of elevation in my spirit. Not enough to feel completely better but just enough to feel better in the moment.

He allowed me to speak while he did nothing but listen. I needed this. 

My words flowed like running water. He became a bucket for me to pour them into. He contained all of me. His listening ear became my refuge. I felt safe to continue. 

I told him that I was struggling with being open with people like I want to be. I told him that I feel a burning within me to share but my reasons not to take over. I told him that I felt shame around this. I thought that I was better than this. I thought that I had overcome this some time ago. He listened. I told him that one of the reasons I stopped being so open was because people were not giving me that in return. I felt exposed, too vulnerable, both exceptionally difficult feelings to overcome. So I chose to protect and withdraw myself. He listened some more.

(The idea of brewing a pot of tea and hiding from the world while I sipped and wrote in my journal became much more appealing to me.)

Here's how I justified withdrawing:

- People will use what I share against me. 

- People will misunderstand me and judge me.

- People will try to take advantage of me. (This one was huge for me.)

I didn't realize how much of my decision to share openly was tied up in other people and what they thought about me. This was my "Ah-Ha" moment. 

My entire life has been lived through the eyes of other peoples response to me. I was who I was and did what I did as a result of what I would get or wouldn't get from people. As a child those people were mainly my parents and as an adult my parents became my husband, friends, and associates. It's called, "the art of people pleasing". 

I became angry. I hated the thought of being controlled by peoples opinions of me. I withdrew myself and thought I was punishing them. I convinced myself that that worked for me. That I was somehow punishing my "oppressors" when in truth I was punishing myself. I was hurting. My anger hurt me more than anyone else. My heart became hardened towards the world and I couldn't stand how that felt. It felt so unnatural. I had to make continued decisions to be that way. All in the name of protecting myself against the thoughts of others.

Fast forward. Here's what I've learned and discovered about myself since then...

What I truly desired was to feel safe and open at the same time. I wanted to feel moist, soft, sensual, open, warm, sweet and loving. These things come natural to me. I convinced myself that being this way wasn't good enough. I denied my true self because I thought it made me seem weak, unproductive, and not to be taken seriously.

Truth is the world didn't make me hard, I did. 

I thought that I wasn't good enough just the way I was. I felt like I had to become so serious and about business all of the time. An example of how this played out online was my decision to stop taking "selfies". I thought that taking "selfies" made me look like I was a self-centered little girl. Even though I enjoyed taking them I stopped because of how I thought it made me look. That's just ridiculous. If I like it, if it brings me pleasure then it's the best thing for me. Selfies are the bomb, lol!
I rarely made time to play. I missed playing and laughing and giggling and feeling lite. I became so serious. I felt that I had to prove that I wasn't a girl who played all the time and who got work done. I stopped flirting with life. I stopped flirting with others. 

Here's what I didn't see: 
I didn't see and appreciate the fact that I was getting work done. I was working and growing and building and down to business and at the same time having fun. I was freer and flowed in my truth. One of the major components that make me who I am is my sensuality. I turned my back on my sensuality. I felt that locking it up neatly into a little cage would present a better me, which others would take more seriously. I also did it because I thought it would make others more comfortable working with me. Well, I was wrong. Dead wrong! I shouldn't have allowed myself to think that way. I closed myself off from others and in turn closed myself off from me. 

Virginia Woolf said it best, "The eyes of others our prison; their thoughts our cages."

The area of my life affected the most by my decision to withdraw was my sensuality. I denied my pleasures. I closed myself off from my sensual desires to the point where I couldn't recognize what they were anymore. So I began my hunt to find them. I sought after pleasure like a wild woman. I focused on doing whatever brought me pleasure, joy, and bliss. I did whatever felt good and stopped caring what others thought about it.  

I have many conversations with women who struggle with this. Their fear of what others may think of them is greater than their desires to live their truth openly. If this is your struggle just know that you're not alone. If you would like to chat about this contact me. 

Do you find yourself denying your pleasures for the sake of others?

Remember what's more important is that you are good enough.

xo,