My Secret To Our Happy Marriage
Happy marriages and successful marriages do exist and mine is a living testimony.
This month the Happy Wives Club is celebrating marriages through the, "It's All About Love" blog tour. I'm happy to be a part of that celebration.
Creating lasting love in any relationship takes work. The following is a very personal story that I've never shared before. It's about a very dark moment I experienced in my marriage and what we did that saved our love.
My number one secret to our happy marriage is communication.
In Stephen Covey's book, "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" he says that during communication one should, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Communication is the most important skill in life. You spend years learning how to read and write, and years learning how to speak. But what about listening? What training have you had that enables you to listen so you really, deeply understand another human being?"
This is the most effective tool to have in a marriage relationship. The art of communication does not just involve you speaking and sharing what's going on with you but listening, and listening effectively with what's going on with your spouse. "Seek first to understand, then to be understood."
This is a daily practice for David and me. We are not perfect at it and there are times when we have completely failed. Flat out failed. Those are the times where our heads got in the way of allowing our hearts to be present. This requires a degree of vulnerability. Effective communication requires one to be open and vulnerable with each other. This is NOT always easy to do but it's a must for a happy marriage. We don't want to just be married for a long time. We want to be happy and excited to be in this relationship. So many couples are married for years and are miserable, just barely getting by without killing each other. Effective communication can help solve this. I'm a first-hand witness to this turn around. It's how we saved our marriage when it was at it's worst a few years ago.
It seemed like nothing we tried was working. We were arguing more than we were talking. I was crying almost everyday and worrying about something or another. We couldn't seem to figure out what to do that would stop the cycle we were in. I felt like I was losing my husband and that's the worst feeling I've ever experienced in my marriage. I couldn't talk to him. I felt like he just didn't want to hear the same thing over and over again. I was getting tired of repeating myself.
At first I would cry, say sorry, then I'd get angry. I was upset and so were our children. Our home was not a home. It didn't feel warm and cozy. It felt cold and unloving. We were trying but we weren't trying our best. We wanted to be heard but we weren't doing much listening. Our marriage was in trouble. My husband suggested we separate. I was devastated.
Things happen in life that push you towards growth. This was definitely one of those moments in my life and in our marriage. I didn't want to be separated. I know he didn't either but he felt like it was the best thing for us. Weeks past after he said that to me but neither of us did anything to move in that direction. To him it seemed like a separation would solve our issues. Maybe we did need time a part.
In the weeks that followed I began to think about being separated. What would that mean for us? How would our kids handle it? Which one of us would leave and for how long? I disliked the idea more and more but that wasn't going to change my husbands mind. I was scared and felt alone. I wanted to be connected to my husband, badly. I cried, prayed, and meditated. I talked to close friends who had gone through similar situations in their marriage. It helped, but the person I wanted to talk to was my husband.
Things were quiet between us. It was better than arguing but still not what we both wanted. We had so much to say, so much we wanted the other to hear and understand. I began to see that what I was demanding and what I wanted from him was not as important as hearing his perspective. I wanted to know why he felt the way he did and what he wanted me to understand. I wanted him to feel safe to share his truths with me knowing that I wouldn't judge him or react in a way that would hurt him. I wanted my husband to know that he was more important to me than our challenges.
Our conversations began slow. We took our time. He felt like he was being heard and understood and so did I. We courted each other like this was a brand new relationship. In many, many ways, it was. We did this for months. We respected how easy it was to fall back into old habits. Our children began to feel the unity we shared. They couldn't verbalize this but we knew and they knew that things took a turn in our home for the better.
Good, effective communication takes time no matter what the relationship is. It's a dance. It's a back and forth. With practice you can become a great dancer.
We've come up with rules that help us get through difficult conversations. If we're having difficult / uncomfortable conversations these rules help us stay on track. Maybe they will help you.
1. Decide and stick to the topic. It's like driving a car. Pick a lane and stay in it until you reach the desired outcome.
2. Speak. Listen. Allow for room to breathe.
3. If either of us felt like it's getting to heavy we would agree to walk away. But, before we walk away we have to decide on a time to come back.
4. No blame. Look for ways you contributed to the situation. Express feelings and acknowledge feelings.
5. Physically come together when it's all done. Touch each other. Hug. Kiss. Focus on each other for a moment before you move on.
My husband is the most important person in my life. The way I communicate with him says how much I value, respect, honor, and love everything about him. It truly is the secret to our happy marriage. It's one reason I'm a happy wife.
Thanks for reading. You can follow me and David on twitter at: @The26thAffair were we tweet about our everyday happenings. And, also find us on Instagram: @The26thaffair for inside pics of our family.
Fawn Weaver, the founder of the Happy Wives Club wrote a book about the best marriage secrets the world has to offer. They say the book is like “Eat, Pray, Love meets The 5 Love Languages.” I say the book is inspiring. You can grab a copy HERE.
Great Tip!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Melvin. I enjoyed reliving this time in our lives. It gives me an appreciation for where we've come from.
ReplyDeleteVery helpful information
ReplyDeleteThank you, Christina. I'm glad you felt this way. And thank you for leaving your comment.
DeleteThank you once again for sharing yourself so openly. What a beautiful post! After almost 15 years we have gone through challenging periods in our union as well and I have to wholeheartedly agree that communication (or the lack thereof) is usually the solution or the root of the problem. I am so happy to see authentic families fighting to 'keep it together' for all the right reasons. I daily reflect on how our ability to be successful at our union will affect the choices that our two children make when their time comes to find a suitable mate. I will that we continue to work towards setting the right example for them for their future happiness depends on it. Much love to you and your tribe beautiful!
ReplyDeleteArianna, thank you for gracing my space with your light. After you've been with someone for so long you learn that communication is the heartbeat of your relationship. It can make or break a bond. I wish that couples would seek help from someone who could facilitate opening up the lines of healthy communication before they give up. Sometimes it's all they need.
DeleteYour children will do their best because you and your husband do. Much love to you.
Very helpful post as a newlywed!
ReplyDeleteJackie as newlyweds if you can get this early on it will save you lots of heartache and wasted time. I'm so happy this was helpful to you. I wish you the best!
DeleteThanks for sharing Lisa.
ReplyDeleteI do believe my husband and I need to start over. There is too much pain and distrust now.
I feel like I have so much to say, but I can't because I don't want to cause hurt, so I remain silent, waiting for the right climate to share, to understand.
You're welcome Colette. Recognizing you need to start over is a step that many couples don't see until it's too late. There is a lot of work to be done when marriages reach the point yours is in. I call it the, 'heavy lifting stage". If you seriously want things to turn around you have to work hard at it everyday.
DeleteI can honestly say, I have somewhat been there... or we are there. I know its communication, but I'm not sure he does. However new circumstances have created less time to communicate or even work at communicating. But we know we need to do it. Not sure if any of that made any sense or not. But basically, my marriage has been compromised due to our lack of communication and we are in the process of "fixing it". I don't feel that divorce will ever be an option of mine.
ReplyDeleteIt makes total sense, Jessica. You want this to be fixed. You want to be happy and thriving in your love with your husband. I get it. My advice, if you will, is to not allow your new circumstances to be the reason your marriage fails. Your marriage relationship has to be more important. You already have the idea by saying that, "divorce will never be an option of yours."
DeleteHi Lisa,
ReplyDeleteI am happy to have found you through the Bloggy Mom's Feb Hop! I look forward to reading more, and completely agree that communication is key in a happy marriage. My hubby and I have been together for almost 17 years and are still best friends. I have followed you around on social media and look forward to more to come. If you have the time and interest, I would love if you checked out my site http://kartwheels.org/ Have a wonderful week! Karen
Welcome, Karen! Nice to meet you! 17 years!!, congratulations!! I love it when you say you two are still best friends. It shows that marriages can be the best thing we experience in life. Thanks for following me. I'll be sure to hop on over to your blog and check you out. By the way, my weekend was awesome. Went dancing with David on Saturday night, and hung out with the kids. Hope yours was great.
DeleteHi Lisa!
ReplyDeleteCommunication is certainly a huge key to a happy marriage, which I quickly found out. It can also been one of the hardest things to do. Communicating effectively takes practice and patients. It's something that my husband and I have been working on lately--especially with all the big life changes happening with us lately.
Thanks for sharing! And it was great connecting with you at #SitsShareFest :)
Hi Felicia! It is one the hardest aspects of relationships. I'm practicing too and would love to become an exceptional dancer.
ReplyDeleteIt was nice connecting with you today. Thanks for stopping by. :-)