I May Not Be Perfect...

I'm smiling now. After the tears have past, and feelings I've repeatedly run away from have subsided.

No matter how far I think I'm running from them they always catch up. And usually by that time I'm exhausted from running and cannot cope with what's being felt. Anything can set me off because I've practiced running for so long, and not enough practice in being courageous. 

I cried, deeply. "Here we go again", I said to myself. "I thought you dealt with this, Lisa?" Obviously, not.

Feelings of inadequacy, not being good enough, not measuring up, not having my stuff together consumed me. 

There are certain things that still trigger these feelings within me. I find myself running from them by dumbing them down. I choose to belittle them as a coping method. It's a drug of choice. 

Naturally, after the intensity of the feelings begin to subside I turned to my journal. I told my journal all the reasons why I'm back here. I looked for consolation, I looked for acceptance. I sunk my feet into my insides and found comfort. I searched for a resting place, a place to lay, a place where I could stop running.

Everything I wrote kept coming back to one word, one place that felt safe. "Enough". The word enough kept bringing me back to myself, to a place of comfort, acceptance, wholeness. 

I am good enough. I am good enough. I am good enough. I am good enough. I am good enough. And so went my pen to my pages. I am good enough.

These words are what's real. That other stuff, just illusion. That other stuff, excuses to remain small, to shrink from the magnificence of who I really am. It's the opposite of courage. I want to choose courage instead of running away.  

The other day I had a chat with my children about challenges we experience in regards to our feelings. How allowing yourself to be vulnerable helps guide you through those feelings. How feelings come and go and how identifying with them is healthy. But where we get into trouble is when we allow ourselves to become our feelings.

So here I am, faced with my own challenges around my feelings and what do I end up doing?, becoming them.

During our chat I was so compassionate towards my children and their challenges with feelings. I told them it's not always going to be easy to choose courage and it's okay if they fail. I told them that failure is the beginning stages of learning, be patient with yourselves. I can extend all of this compassion and understanding towards them but when it comes to me, I want perfection. I want to get it right the first time and never experience the challenges and failures ever.

But just because I cried tonight as a result of running from my feelings and then becoming them. Just because I went on and on beating myself up for being here, I recognized that I am good enough.

Through it all, I am good enough. I am not perfect, but I'm good enough. I'm good enough. 

I hope this inspired you as much as it did for me.